August 2011
1 post
Out of my control
I love to believe I have some amount of control in my life, actually, a great deal of control. But lately, I have watched a friend slowly pass away because we don’t have control over our bodies when they start to deteriorate. Her sons, husband and family had no control in getting to keep her here. Not having control scares us, scares me. Something is in my brain, a mass, a chunk that they...
April 2011
1 post
Lovin the journey
So loving the friends I get to journey with. Jesus, you are such a great lover of my soul and a gifter of those who love with your heart! Thank you! Loving the beauty of friendship and the joy of giving from our hearts! Thank you! Thank you!
March 2011
3 posts
Crazy day
I left an appt today dreaming about S. Africa and the beauty, simplicity and love of the people I encountered there.
I drove into a phone call telling me about a 13 year old killing himself. He was in despair. There was nothing he could find to relieve his pain.
Tears of joy turned into tears of sorrow. Memories of smiles twisted to visions of a family’s worst possible nightmare coming...
Ash Wed. Awe & Wonder
When was the last time you were in AWE of something? What caused you to stop and to take in the beauty of wonder? Was it one of our amazing sunsets here in AZ? Was it your toes touching the warm sand on a beach looking out over a vast, beautiful ocean? Perhaps it was when your son or daughter, your friend or loved one looked you in the eye and told you they loved you. Maybe it was holding a...
So Good!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7Ilpnhr0kM&feature=share
February 2011
2 posts
Left turns
When I first started driving, almost thirty years ago now, my dad used to drive me crazy almost every time I would take the car out. He would always call after me as I walked, or in most cases, ran out the door…”watch those left turns!” I swear to you this happened almost every time! He did that because he understood how dangerous a left turn could be, especially where I grew...
Alone
Why do I have such a hard time spending the day by myself? I get so edgy and bummed out. I feel like I get angry so easily on these days. I was in the parking lot today walking up to the bank and this lady just kept driving instead of letting me go in front of her. I walked right at her window and punched the air. Why? Driving, I was yelling at people like a dang fool. Then I get pissed at...
January 2011
7 posts
Complicated
I often say we should love until it hurts. Sometimes it really happens that way. Love is complicated and so are the people we get to love. It is a privilege to know the heart of another, to walk through their life with them, to get to hear the good and the frustrating, the process and the learning. It’s an ironical twist to love yet be hurting in that love, to feel that somehow, in the...
Relationships
Today has been an amazing day of being in relationship. I got to have several phone conversations with friends I love, hearing their process, getting to listen to their hearts. I freaking love that! One friend in particular has been struggling lately and to hear the joy in his heart as he felt God working in and through him was an answer to lots of prayers! Another friend called to talk about the...
Reflections on faith by an 8th grade girl
One of my students wrote this in response to a question about what she believes. Pretty real. Pretty awesome.
I am not a perfect person. I know sin is hard to resist and that sometimes we don’t even realize we are sinning until we do and it’s time to face the consequences. I believe that God has a plan for us but lets us have room to make good or bad decisions. I don’t pray...
All I need
All I need is you Lord.
I don’t need the worship service to fit my needs. I need you!
I don’t need to seek others to fill up my heart, to cause me to feel loved. I need you!
I don’t need to feel like I am DOING enough for you to be fulfilled. I need you!
I don’t need the next wave of what is cool in Christianity. I need you!
I am desperately in need of you, more...
A chunk of wisdom
I was just reading through some blogs of friends and I came across this awesome chunk of wisdom in a blog my friend wrote about being single. It’s just a portion of what he wrote and I think it is profound. I love this, it’s worth reading and applying to our lives.
“Being single is so much easier when we know that we have someone to “fall back on”. It takes away the risk of...
Walmart Church
I was laughing as I was talking with my friend at lunch today about some of the things people request to be a part of our church like coffee shops, bookstores, food courts etc., ha. Lots of churches do this and the people in our church want to have it too. We are a consumer driven society and we are consumer driven Christians. We need church to provide the conveniences we experience everywhere...
Solitude
I wrote this in October. I have been thinking about it again. I need this:
Solitude
I crave it and fear it. I long for it yet run from it. I hate the quiet but I need it. Restoration can come in isolation. The silence affords me the opportunity to focus on what I usually miss; the wind in the trees, the bee that just buzzed by, the birds singing, pine cones falling. I hear a very clear...
December 2010
2 posts
Stinging
My heart is stinging from the burn that comes with the firey coals of selfishness and sin that live inside of me. They flame up at just the wrong moment and leave such a trail of smoke and destruction that it’s overwhelming. It’s as if the fire jumps from innocent victim to innocent victim and I have the power to save them if only I could keep the fire from flaring up. I hate it. I...
Foolishness
Sometimes I act like a fool and do foolish things that cause me to say foolish stuff which leads to having to apologize for being a fool. I hate when I act foolish instead of wise. You would think that at this ancient age I would have it figured out. Not yet I guess. Just acting like a damn fool once in a while! Praying to be wise instead today. God I need your help.
Manipulation or intention
I was having a conversation the other night with one of my most amazing friends about ministry. We love to talk about ministry together. We love to DO ministry together. We were talking about the difference between intentional ministry and ministry that is driven by manipulation. There is a fine line that can be drawn between doing ministry out of a place that feeds our ego or brings glory and...
November 2010
6 posts
Addiction to admiration
I have been thinking about love a lot lately, about how I love, what causes me to strive to love, what draws me to others, how I feel loved. I have come to a startling conclusion that I confuse love and admiration. I think that sometimes I am dissatisfied in my relationships and how I feel I am loved because I have confused these two things. Think about it. In ministry, if you do it well,...
Dad
I have been thinking about my dad a lot lately. I have been thinking about how I have taken him for granted over the years. He has loved me when I didn’t acknowledge it. He has provided for me so much without ever expecting a thank you. Sometimes, I would express my gratitude, but there was often a hint of obligation in those words. My dad ran toward every opportunity to take care of me,...
It's so hard to love
The lyrics in a song by Mae are haunting me. The story in the song is set in the singer/writers struggle with sleeplessness and pain. He journeys to the ocean with his guitar waiting for the sun to rise, waiting for an answer to his hurt, the conclusion to his song to flood his fingers and his mind. He encounters a fisherman who takes him on a boat ride and tells him the answer in life is...
We all need love
The Fisherman Song (We All Need Love) Lyrics
Tonight I find it hard to sleep each sound and squeak i hear keeps me staring at the ceiling Oh it’s dark as night outside and i can’t stand the quiet that it brings me and i got too much on my mind i think it’s time to take a drive and leave it all behind i’ve got a song that’s halfway there i think it needs the ocean...
Dating
I wrote this in August but feel like I am having this conversation a lot right now with many friends and students. Wanted to repost for whatever it’s worth.
What do you do?
Recently a friend and I had a discussion about love, dating and marriage. It was an awesome conversation. The question that rose out of it was this: What do you do when you are looking for your wife but realize that...
October 2010
4 posts
Endurance
I hurt my thumb a couple months ago. I haven’t been able to lift any upper body since. I haven’t been keeping up with cardio or lifting legs either. I have no excuse for that. Today I went to the gym for the first time in a long time. I was blown away by what a lack of endurance I experienced. I hit the cardio first and suffered through a couple miles of gasping and sweating. My...
Time
I went to the funeral today of a man who was 4 months older than me. His name was Ben. I sat with his children about a week ago, Mackenzie, Casey and Gage, and talked with them about their dad. Ben was down the hall in the master bedroom. He was dying of cancer. It had been a long journey. Four years ago, Ben hadn’t been feeling well and the doctor came to him with shocking news. There...
Buzzed
Caught a buzz hanging with Jesus today. It was awesome! Pipe, vino, time in the Holy Spirit reading Psalms, wow! Awesome! I highly recommend it!
Solitude
I crave it and fear it. I long for it yet run from it. I hate the quiet but I need it. Restoration can come in isolation. The silence affords me the opportunity to focus on what I usually miss; the wind in the trees, the bee that just buzzed by, the birds singing, pine cones falling. I hear a very clear voice from God saying, “be with me”. Maybe that is why I sometimes run. I will...
September 2010
3 posts
Need
Wow! Honestly, I am blown away by the past couple of days. I have been so moved by the conversations I have been privileged to have with friends I love. We need each other. We need to hear each other, to pursue each other. We need to ask questions that probe, we need to challenge and to love through accountability. Most of all, we need the connection of our hearts in love. That connection...
Jesus
Jesus, did you ever get frustrated with your friends? I am imagining they were such a challenging bunch of dudes. You had that awesome thing about you of being sinless. Peter probably pissed you off so much, if you could get that way. I see him as that arrogant friend who would do anything for you as long as it didn’t get in the way of him doing what he thought he needed to do because he...
Reflecting
I am sitting on my porch. There is a warm breeze brushing across the sweat on my neck as I smoke my pipe and enjoy a nice glass of pinot noir. I sit here as I have before, but this time I am alone. I am alone with my thoughts, my memories and my emotions. So many great conversations have been held in this place, started right here in this chair. I am overwhelmed as the memories flood my mind....
August 2010
10 posts
Power
There is a power in forgiveness that is so enormous, so overwhelming that it seems incomprehensible. God showed us the depth and character of his heart by setting up a forgiveness through Jesus that crushes anything that tries to get in it’s way. Through that sacrifice, forgiveness was one once and for all. Death now has no power, it has no sting. There is a victorious eternity waiting,...
Poverty of the heart
We ache and hurt for the poverty in the world that causes physical pain, hunger and disease. It’s good for us to feel. It’s necessary for us to be moved, compassionate, to take action to help those who struggle because of poverty. Sometimes I think I am blind, we are blind, to the poverty that is in our hearts. That poverty causes just as much pain, just as much disease, but it is...
Eggs
My mom used to always use this very common phrase when I was a kid: “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” Why? Well, as the saying indicates, all the eggs in one basket can result in a lot of broken eggs if the basket gets dropped. Eggs in separate baskets are more safe, more secure. Recently I have been thinking a lot about relationships. I have had some pretty intense...
Generous
I want to be known as being generous. I want to learn how to be sacrificially generous. I want to learn how to be happy that it costs me to reach out to others. I want to be generous with love, with kind words, with a smile at the people who I meet at the grocery store. I want to ask the guy sitting alone at the bar to join my friends and me for dinner. I would love to ask someone how they...
Desensitized
One day when we were in South Africa, the pastor we were traveling with, Pastor Victor, took us to a clinic where over 3,000 patients a month are seen. The staff is made up of 3 nurses and a doctor who comes about once a week. The place was jam packed with moms and infants. The nurse who heads up the clinic spoke to us about the plight of those mothers, their babies and the devastation of aids in...
What do you do?
Recently a friend and I had a discussion about love, dating and marriage. It was an awesome conversation. The question that rose out of it was this: What do you do when you are looking for your wife but realize that you couldn’t marry the girl you are with? Over the years, I have had that conversation with a lot of guys who have come up through our ministry and a lot of my friends. I...
I am a glutton
Recently, I have been having a lot of conversations about the places we escape to with friends I love. I see in my friends the things they run to when they don’t want to deal with hurts or struggles they are going through. Of course, I see so many patterns in my own life as well. I think the easiest things to acknowledge are the sinful places I run. It’s easy to be consumed by lust...
Goodbyes
I have always hated goodbyes. When I was a kid, I would build up the goodbye for so long in my head, I would miss the joy of the time remaining with those I loved and had to see go. I am in that place right now. Goodbyes never are forever and I know that. Yet something about the anticipation of missing those I love tries to steal, tries to rob me of the amazing moments that are still happening....
Emotions
What a battle rages inside of me with emotions. I can have the most rational thoughts about the circumstances of my life, convince myself that I can deal with situations and make it through them, but then I find myself overwhelmed by my emotions. I find myself a slave to the feelings that are in the top of my throat. I can’t hold them back. As much as I try to put them in their place,...
Drowning in love
So many thoughts and reflections are running through my head. I have been stuck since I came home from Africa in trying to find a way to express what I experienced. I told my buddy that I felt bound up. Words seem so impotent, so shallow in trying to paint the picture of what God did in my life, what he opened my eyes to, how he overwhelmed my heart. One thing I have been telling friends as...
July 2010
2 posts
Dust
I stood on the dust of legacy today, the dust where friends have walked and served. I stood where Jesus was held in the arms of those who knew they were holding a child but may have been unaware of the Savior they embraced. Dust, dust that was on the face of a little one, the face of Jesus, dust that was streaked from tears flowing down. I stood on that beautiful dust today and I am blown away...
Aching
Do you ever feel like your heart is just gonna explode from despair for what others carry around with them? Sometimes there are things that people we love go through that are simply impossible to fathom. God has been breaking my heart for friends I love, students I work with and for people in our community who are suffering. What do I do with this broken heart? What do I say to a student who...
June 2010
1 post
In Treatment
It’s been a year since I started pursuing a relationship with a therapist. I am convinced that this was a gift from God that brought enormous amounts of healing in my life. People have all kinds of opinions about therapy, about counselors. Some are apprehensive, some are open. I have referred kids and parents for years to great counselors as a part of my work. I regret waiting until I was...
May 2010
1 post
Cathedral of Complacency
God is stirring me out of my slumber and comfort. I work at a cathedral of complacency with pews full of those who are fat on God, filled up to the rim with good words, smiles and kind eyes. It’s not enough. It’s not what he wants. He doesn’t want a beautiful building filled with well intentioned crowds. He wants radicals. He wants people who are moved to tears at the hurt...
April 2010
3 posts
Letting go
I wrote these words to be read at the funeral for my hate! Letting go has been one of the most freeing experiences of my life. Forty years of hate have been moved out of the way and there is so much room in my heart to be filled up with love, to be filled with joy. It was one of the most profound experiences of my life with some incredible friends. This took place after Good Friday service at...
A Funeral for hatred
These are the words my friend Travis wrote and had me read at the funeral for my hatred of my brother. Incredible words written by an incredible friend.
April 2nd of 2010. Good Friday.
A eulogy is defined as a laudatory speech or written tribute, especially one praising someone who has died.
Nobody knows the exact date when Boy Hatred was conceived or brought into this earth. We can all...
Bound
I began this Good Friday in a terrible place, a place of bondage to my sin. Thank you Jesus for reminding me that today I am not bound by anything. I am free because of what you did on the cross for me. Help me to live in the truth today and not live in the lies of guilt and shame. ”I’ll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross”. I can’t even begin to...
March 2010
1 post
Reconciliation is a bitch!
I have been convicted constantly it seems lately, to allow the amazing reconciliation of Jesus to be real in my life in how I respond to those who have hurt me over the years. I have argued with Jesus as he has whispered to me that I can do it. There is one hurt that is so overwhelming, it has cost me dearly through most of my life. When I was little, my parents would leave me with my older...
The feet of Jesus
I sat at the feet of Jesus last night. I wept in awe of the love He shows me through two incredible friends. I washed those feet in an attempt to respond to the overwhelming grace and mercy, forgiveness and encouragement I experience when I am in the presence of Steven and Ryan. I wanted to say thank you, to look them in the eye and express how much I cherish their friendship. They turned it...
February 2010
6 posts
Battling
Battling the demons inside.
So inclined to run and hide.
Need to be real with a friend who loves.
Someone I know will take off the gloves
and pursue my heart and the truth that hurts.
A friend who reminds me of what I am worth.
Thank you Jesus for giving to me through him.
Please heal my hurts and wipe away the tears that brim
in my eyes ready to run down my face.
Please be your arms and...
Light!!
Wow God! You are awesome! That was not a very long time to wait! Thank you Jesus for the light of your sacrifice on the cross for me! I mean it! Thank you for the radiance of the cross that shines to expose the darkest and most hidden parts of this soul. Thank you for the cleansing and the wiping out of deception that light brings. Thank you for your cross that casts out the fear that...