I love to believe I have some amount of control in my life, actually, a great deal of control. But lately, I have watched a friend slowly pass away because we don’t have control over our bodies when they start to deteriorate. Her sons, husband and family had no control in getting to keep her here. Not having control scares us, scares me. Something is in my brain, a mass, a chunk that they saw on a cat scan. If I can get over my damn claustrophobia, maybe they will get a more specific look at it. But as I sit here tonight, battling with my fear, I am again reminded that I ultimately am not in control. I would love to say it has made me more dependent on God. Not yet. In this moment I am in shock at the revelation of the image of this matter that doesn’t belong. I am marveling at how easy it was to “control” my blood pressure with a pill, but that there is nothing I can do, in and of myself, to control this blob, this possible cyst/tumor/cancer/who knows what sitting in the middle of my brain. Life is short, it’s fragile and it’s fantastic. I don’t want to lose it yet. I am scared. I don’t have control. I never actually have. So, I sit here in my sleepless state reflecting on how much I love living, how much I love loving. I feel alone. I know I am not. I feel alone though.
So loving the friends I get to journey with. Jesus, you are such a great lover of my soul and a gifter of those who love with your heart! Thank you! Loving the beauty of friendship and the joy of giving from our hearts! Thank you! Thank you!
I left an appt today dreaming about S. Africa and the beauty, simplicity and love of the people I encountered there.
I drove into a phone call telling me about a 13 year old killing himself. He was in despair. There was nothing he could find to relieve his pain.
Tears of joy turned into tears of sorrow. Memories of smiles twisted to visions of a family’s worst possible nightmare coming true, embracing each other in unbearable distress.
My heart aches for that family. The memories of S. Africa soothe me as I think of the God of comfort bringing love and peace to a realm of need and despair, a God who can put a smile on the face of an orphaned child, who can have them singing of his love. Tonight I long for that God to bring that same peace to the family of Hunter. May they know the love I saw in S. Africa, the peace of the savior who brings calm in chaos, who calms the storms of the greatest imaginings and fears. He is the God who understands ache no matter where it lives. I am counting on him again tonight.
When was the last time you were in AWE of something? What caused you to stop and to take in the beauty of wonder? Was it one of our amazing sunsets here in AZ? Was it your toes touching the warm sand on a beach looking out over a vast, beautiful ocean? Perhaps it was when your son or daughter, your friend or loved one looked you in the eye and told you they loved you. Maybe it was holding a child in your lap, looking at their tiny fingers and hands,wondering at the detail of those little fingerprints, marveling at the intricacy of their design, in awe of the progression of this earthly life. Whatever that place of wonder in our lives, those moments present us with a pause from the mundane, the everyday of every day. Sometimes we are startled out of our wonder into that which requires little of our concentration or appreciation but is just a part of living on this earth. We are lulled back into our patterns, our habits, our needing to get things done.
Sometimes we marvel at the accomplishments of others around us, of athletes that make those incredible plays that blow our mind, of artists and performers whose giftedness and talent is beyond anything we could ever comprehend as we look at our own lives. Maybe we look at the creativity of authors, entrepreneurs, politicians, business people, doctors, etc., and respect what they have achieved. We are in awe of their abilities, perhaps even envious. Yet, we have a relationship with someone who deserves our constant awe. We have a resident artist living within us, a creative, loving, accomplishing miracles someone, living in our hearts. Today, as we begin our Lenten journey together on this Ash wednesday, we are reminded to live in wonder of a Savior who is not only Jesus, he is God. He was there at creation, he had a part in forming the beach you stood on, the sky that held the sunset you saw. He formed those little fingers that you held in your hand, he made the voice that expressed that love to you. Jesus is God.
In Mark 2:1-12 (read it if you get a chance) we find Jesus speaking to an overcrowded house, so crowded that some guys who wanted to see their friend healed dug a whole in the roof and lowered him in front of Jesus so he could be made whole. Jesus uses his authority to heal and forgive. Once again he is asserting his place as the Son of God. Not only is he a healer, he is the author of healing. It’s an amazing story in which we usually focus on the guys who lower their friend through the roof. Sometimes we miss what happened as a result of Jesus message and actions. At the end of the passage, one version says this: the people were amazed and worshipped God. They worshipped God.
The religious leaders were disgusted with Jesus……..
The crippled man was in awe of his healing……
The crowd and disciples were worshipping God as a result of what they saw! They worshipped God!
Jesus is God. He is someone to marvel at. He, as God, as Savior, as Redeemer, went to a cross for us. We stand in wonder at the work of this beautiful rescuer. Having the power to create a universe and all that exists in it, he humbled himself and went to a cross, a brutal execution, on our behalf. He performed the ultimate healing that day by paying the price for our sins. He conquered his adversary that day in the most incredible and unique way. He died so we might live. He freed us from being slaves to the power of sin. In essence, he told us to get up and carry our mat, our sins had been forgiven! He was making sure we knew, he is God.
Tonight, as we worship and receive communion, as we marvel at the wonder of his sacrifice, may we recognize how lavish and extraordinary the love of God is, His love that pours down like rain upon us! May we respond in awe as we approach the table, as we sit in quiet and reflect on the uniqueness of his relationship with us individually and corporately. May we be humbled and reminded of where we should place our awe, our respect, our priorities as we exit tonight and receive the sign of the cross in ashes. We have nothing without him. We have everything with him. Give thanks tonight! May we worship in awe and wonder as we respond to Jesus!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7Ilpnhr0kM&feature=share
When I first started driving, almost thirty years ago now, my dad used to drive me crazy almost every time I would take the car out. He would always call after me as I walked, or in most cases, ran out the door…”watch those left turns!” I swear to you this happened almost every time! He did that because he understood how dangerous a left turn could be, especially where I grew up in Phoenix. It drove me nuts that he would remind me of that at every opportunity. I was laughing about this with a friend today because I often find myself in a position of reminding my friends and the kids I work with to watch their left turns. My dad didn’t tell me not to make those turns, he just was telling me to be cautious, to not act impulsively, to think about the route I was taking. He wanted me to make a left turn at a traffic light so I might minimize some risk. He trusted me yet he loved me enough to remind me. Sometimes I feel like I am harping on my loved ones by reminding them to be wise, cautious in their time spent with members of the opposite sex, telling them to think about their route and avoid the impulsive moments that can get us into a wreck. To this day that loving crazy dad still tells me to watch my left turns. I love that. I promise you, I used to hear his voice in my head as I would approach one of those turns….I still wait for that extra car instead of risking something I can’t calculate as well….I still consider if I am tired or alert, worn out or aware. He taught me to drive. He taught me well. To this day, I have never had an accident as a result of one of those turns. I still hear the things he helped me learn. I am thankful. I don’t mean to harp on my friends. I respond out of a love that I hope communicates this, “I trust you, go practice, but be careful and watch those potentially dangerous places that distract us. Be alert. Don’t practice when you are too tired or your guard is down. Pray to the one who wants to teach you and remind you. Hear his voice. Sometime he might use mine to remind you. But please, just watch those left turns! I love you so much!” Thankful for the opportunity to get to be in that place with my friends. I never take it for granted. I never will!
Why do I have such a hard time spending the day by myself? I get so edgy and bummed out. I feel like I get angry so easily on these days. I was in the parking lot today walking up to the bank and this lady just kept driving instead of letting me go in front of her. I walked right at her window and punched the air. Why? Driving, I was yelling at people like a dang fool. Then I get pissed at myself for being so irritated and frustrated. It’s like I can’t stand being with me, like I struggle when I can’t feel the love of my friends by being with them. It’s weird because I love living alone, but I don’t like being alone. I like to drive alone, especially on roads that challenge my car and give me a chance to go fast. Why don’t I like being just with me? I have asked this question a lot in conversation with my counselor. He suggests that my life is so social that I don’t know what to do with quiet or alone time. I get irritated, in his estimation, because it’s unusual for me to not be with someone. It’s not my normal mode of operation and so I feel uncomfortable. I think a lot of it has to do with battling with loving myself and feeling a lot better when I can love someone else, be with them, experience their goodness, their love, their hearts. So today was an alone day that I didn’t really do anything positive with. Thankful at least for the thoughts that have come to help me analyze it. Lonely, edgy, frustrated, irritable, lazy. Next time I hope it to be described more this way: full, thoughtful, restful, joyful, spiritual, accomplishing something of value. Gonna work on this.
I often say we should love until it hurts. Sometimes it really happens that way. Love is complicated and so are the people we get to love. It is a privilege to know the heart of another, to walk through their life with them, to get to hear the good and the frustrating, the process and the learning. It’s an ironical twist to love yet be hurting in that love, to feel that somehow, in the middle of loving, you are causing pain to those who have invited you in. It’s so difficult to have to recognize our own complexity, our own make up and dysfunction in trying to care for others, sometimes forgetting to process our own journey which may weigh our loved ones down. Somehow, without knowing, we wind up in a place of discomfort in our relating, grasping for, or clinging to, a hope that we can just hold on to those we love, that we won’t lose them. In essence, I simplify the complexity of loving by narrowing it down to that grasping, that panicked grip of just the knowledge of love, motivated by the fear of losing it. That simplicity deceives. That simplicity causes hurt. Love is too intricate, too majestic to be placed in a box of comfort and good feelings. It is art, beautiful and sometimes undefinable. Love requires us to embrace the complex, to wrap our arms around the hurt our loved ones feel as well as being aware of our own complicated pain, so as to let the art evolve, constantly transforming, always becoming more beautiful. It is an honor to be a part of that constant evolution. What a humbling invitation we are given when a friend allows us to mingle our art with theirs, to collaborate on a journey of experience and process. It cannot be rushed. It cannot be taken for granted. It hurts sometimes. It’s complicated. Love is beautiful. It is absolutely worth the effort. It is why we cannot live without each other. We must constantly be thankful for the opportunity to create alongside the artist, to understand that their process of expression may be different than ours and to embrace the complexity that comes with intermingling those processes, creating a masterpiece that is unique to the love we share. I love you my friends. I am honored to get to walk with you through your complication and complexity. This is a beautiful collaboration!
Today has been an amazing day of being in relationship. I got to have several phone conversations with friends I love, hearing their process, getting to listen to their hearts. I freaking love that! One friend in particular has been struggling lately and to hear the joy in his heart as he felt God working in and through him was an answer to lots of prayers! Another friend called to talk about the way he experienced God using him in ministry last night and today! He just wanted to share the excitement that comes from feeling God use him. I had lunch with an incredible friend and partner in ministry who was having a pretty rough day. We got to dream about something big that God is stirring and talk about things that he is looking forward to! It was so encouraging! It was so fulfilling. He sent me a text a few minutes ago saying that one of his business meetings this afternoon was with a guy who turned out to be a Christian. They had a cool time together. God has awesome timing! Talked to my buddy’s grandma just to see how she was doing and got to help lift her spirits and make a plan to spend some quality time together. I Called my folks and thanked them for all the prayers they have been saying for my friend who I love. They said it is an honor to pray for him! That is so awesome!
It’s only 5:51 and more relationship time is waiting. I get to go grab a beer with a friend I love deeply and have the honor and privilege of being his best man! I cannot wait to connect with him. After that, I come home to hang with one of my favorite people introduced to me by another one of my favorite friends. I freaking love this motha and can’t wait to hear about his life! What a day! What a beautiful day! I am so thankful. I know who is the author of all this connection and privilege! Thank you Jesus! I love getting to love the people you bring into my life! Wow, what a joy!
One of my students wrote this in response to a question about what she believes. Pretty real. Pretty awesome.
I am not a perfect person. I know sin is hard to resist and that sometimes we don’t even realize we are sinning until we do and it’s time to face the consequences. I believe that God has a plan for us but lets us have room to make good or bad decisions. I don’t pray strongly or read the Bible often, but the way I connect to God is music. Most of my relationship is made up by songs I’ve heard, written or sung, and I feel a special connection through that music. I think that’s one of the puzzle pieces to this giant life question. The reason I go to church is because I want to feel that in that moment, standing there raising my voice in praise, that I’m perfect, cleansed and made whole. Sin is there to test us, to test our faith in the Lord, and to remind us that we are human, not perfect. I have learned not to pray for an answer but to pray about the problem. Every test I go through, I grow closer to God. Friends who don’t believe, who try to mess me up, whatever the case may be, it doesn’t matter when I’m singing to the Lord!