Jesus, did you ever get frustrated with your friends?  I am imagining they were such a challenging bunch of dudes.  You had that awesome thing about you of being sinless. Peter probably pissed you off so much, if you could get that way.  I see him as that arrogant friend who would do anything for you as long as it didn’t get in the way of him doing what he thought he needed to do because he was so amazing. He was probably a big fan of him. Maybe Luke was the know it all of the bunch. He was smart and educated, a doctor. Maybe he didn’t know what to do with you and your healing that didn’t require his expertise. And then there was Judas.  Wow.  What a mess.  We all want a friend who is loyal, who has our back.  How many times did he say he was that guy in your life?  And then, he totally let you down. He sold you out. That was probably frustrating for you, totally devastating. Is being frustrated a sin? Jesus, did you want to yell at your friends?  Did they ever joke around with you to a point where it hurt you? Did you ever feel like you wanted to tell them they were assholes and to stop being mean to you?  What was it like when you just wanted them to feel with you the night before you gave your life for them and you kept finding them sleeping?  That must have felt like they were so selfish to you.  Even John, who had leaned back against your chest at dinner that night, the one who you felt knew you the best, who you trusted your heart to and shared an intimacy with that you couldn’t with the others, even he couldn’t get past himself to be there for you that night.  I know you didn’t sin, but I know you felt and feel everything we do.  You must have been so hurt that your heart friend, your most intimate friend, the one you expected to be there for you and with you no matter what, fell asleep on you as you walked through the anguish of your breaking heart.

Jesus I think about all this as I think about some of my friends and how frustrated I am. I am hurt by their lack of care, their lack of pursuit, by their taking advantage of my kindness.  I feel like I just want to stop loving, to stop giving, to stop listening.  I want to yell.  I want to call them assholes and tell them to fuck off, to stop being selfish and mean.  I am not you.  I am sinful.  I am selfish.  I seek my own desires over pleasing you.  If I acted that way toward them, I would be serving myself.  I can’t do that.  It’s so hard because my sinful nature wants to react out of anger.  So I try to imagine that you, my sinless savior, told your friends off here and there.  But you didn’t.  You loved when they didn’t, you listened when they couldn’t, you stayed awake in your agony when they wouldn’t.  You told them that there could be no greater love than laying down your life for your friends.  You told them they were your friends.  You ran to a brutal death as you demonstrated selfless, real, sinless, sacrificial love.  You could not respond any other way.  You did it to show us what true love is.  

So tonight, I am convicted Jesus as I sit here with my hurt and my anger.  The power that led you to that cross is in me.  I have not tapped into it.  I take it for granted.  I abuse your kindness.  I act like I don’t care.  I let my pride and selfishness get in the way of doing what you have called me to do.  I am not you Jesus.  It’s hard to do what you do.  Maybe because I am not a good friend to you most of the time.  Maybe I have been sleeping when you are in agony over the hurt in my friends lives.  I need your power to correct me tonight.  I need to learn to love in that supernatural strength you secured for me when you gave your life for me.  You laid your life down for me because I am your friend.  I have failed to lay my life down for you or for those I love.  I am so sorry.  Help me to love in that powerful place of your heart, your heart in me.  I need your help.  I am so sorry Jesus.  I love my friends.  Thank you for them!  Thank you for being my amazing example.  I can’t take care of the beautiful people you put in my life without you.  I have failed at it.  Help me start over tonight, and again in the morning, and then again all day, every day.  You are amazing.  I love you.  Thanks for getting me here tonight.  You are such an incredible friend!