I have been thinking about love a lot lately, about how I love, what causes me to strive to love, what draws me to others, how I feel loved.  I have come to a startling conclusion that I confuse love and admiration.  I think that sometimes I am dissatisfied in my relationships and how I feel I am loved because I have confused these two things.  Think about it.  In ministry, if you do it well, people express gratitude and admiration for what you have done in their lives.  A life in ministry is lived constantly in front of others and it feels so good when we see that we make a difference, when I can see that my life makes an impact.  So, that recognition, those words of love, become fuel, fuel to encourage a wounded soul that is embodied in a publicly confident persona. Track with me on this.  I have become addicted to the feeling I get from doing ministry.  That makes sense doesn’t it?  If I am addicted or drawn to the feeling that comes from loving others, but always expecting the payoff of accolades, of thank yous, then I am set up for disappointment, it’s not really love.  Love is not about knowing someone from a distance, experiencing the impact of their words or admiring who you think they are.  Love is about never quitting, about loving people in their struggles, about being committed to knowing someone and loving every part of who they are even when it’s difficult. 

I was talking with my counselor about this. The thought occurred to me, as I was talking with him, that those of us in ministry roles can easily slip into a pattern of thinking love IS this public expression, this words based, rush inducing experience.  If 98% of my life is filled with these great moments, these sincere expressions of gratefulness for what I am allowed to do through calling, then it stands to reason that I may become numb to the uniqueness of that experience and crave more.  98% is never enough, I want the other 2% as well!  So when I am in the 2% place, I find myself critical of me, down, frustrated because the rush isn’t there.  Don’t think for one minute that I think any of this is ok.  This is a difficult realization because it is attached to seeing how that addiction has impacted the way I experience true love, what my expectations are on those I am in relationship with and ultimately how I experience the God who has called me to be in his service. 

It amazes me how easily our enemy can take something that God has intended for good and twist it into something that becomes about us.  God equips, calls, empowers, directs us into ministry.  He sent Jesus to be the ultimate example of dependence on him and serving from humility, sacrificing everything for our sake.  He is the source of what happens in ministry.  How easily my ego wants to take credit for what Jesus wants to do through my life offered as a living sacrifice.  How easily I am deceived into thinking the gratitude that is expressed for what God has done is how I should feel loved.  Yet, the truest lover of any soul stands by my side waiting for me to acknowledge his incredible love.  He waits for the recognition that there is no love like his, a perfect love that was there before I knew him, that will fill up the 2% that is fueled by insecurity and make the 98% that feels so good be unmasked of deception and credited to the author of that ministry!  Ministry is addicting.  Admiration is a drug.  It is not what love is.  Ministry is the result of love, dependent on the creator of this universe, the maker of the beautiful souls we are given the privilege of being called to care for. Ministry is an incredible calling and it can be overwhelmingly addictive.  I wish I had learned that when I was studying for my degree.  It is a message we should communicate to all who are seeking to serve Jesus whether in vocation or as a lifestyle.  I am thankful for the realization in my own life and I want to pass it on to those I have the privilege of investing in.  What an honor!

God, thank you for your intervention in helping me admit my addiction.  How easy it is to point out the addiction of others, yet Lord, you have opened my eyes and peeled away the layers that stopped me from seeing my own struggle.  Thank you for true love.  Thank you for giving me a fresh perspective on what you have called me to.  I love serving you.  Help me not to mistake the results of that service for what real love is.  I love you Jesus!  What a privilege, what a humbling truth to get to hold in my heart!  Thank you so much!