I have been convicted constantly it seems lately, to allow the amazing reconciliation of Jesus to be real in my life in how I respond to those who have hurt me over the years. I have argued with Jesus as he has whispered to me that I can do it.  There is one hurt that is so overwhelming, it has cost me dearly through most of my life. When I was little, my parents would leave me with my older brother, Curtis, as my babysitter.  When they would leave he would mentally, emotionally and physically abuse me.  I lived in constant fear and pain.  That abuse went on for many years and left me a broken, fearful, desperately hurting person.  My folks never knew until I was an adult what had happened.  My brother to this day is an abuser of others.  I can make no excuses for him.  I cannot understand what would cause him to be so terrible.  I do know that my hatred for him has perpetuated his abuse.  My hatred has taken up a huge part of my heart.  Jesus is telling me that I need to recognize the power of his reconciliation on the cross.  I know it is true.  I know that what he did on the cross is bigger than my pain, more powerful than all my hatred and bitterness.  I KNOW that is true.  Now I need to take the leap into believing.  I am moved because I can see that it will help all my relationships if I will finally let Jesus empower me to be reconciled to my brother.  Today I was reminded of how mean and terrible my brother is.  He has left his family for a woman he cheated on his wife with.  He has left a wake of despair and abuse as a legacy for his sons and his wife.  My anger and hurt is again acute and overwhelming as I recognize that there is no power in me to be forgiving or reconciled aside from Jesus. I cannot see Curtis with Jesus’ eyes right now, but I am beginning to see his need.  How will my brother know that Jesus wants to reconcile him to Himself if he has no example of it.  If all he knows is a brother who has hated him for 40 years yet says he knows Jesus, how will he know what Jesus can do?  I need to be reconciled to my brother.  Today the journey seems harder.  I need to cling to the truth that Jesus can and will do anything!  I need to remember that what he did on the cross he did for me without telling me I had to fix myself first.  He loved me before I knew him.  He loved me in my sinfulness, my abusiveness, my selfishness.  So pray for me.  Pray for Curtis.  He needs Jesus.  He needs a brother who will extend forgiveness without asking for conditions and changes.  I need the powerful gift Jesus gave me on the cross to allow me to hurt over what has happened, let the resurrection power heal it and then move me into a place of extending grace to my bro.  I am not gonna lie to you and pretend it’s going to be easy.  It’s a bitch.  But I am so tired of this decay in me.  I am so sick of how it hurts my relationships and causes me to live in fear.  I want to live in freedom.  It’s worth the struggle.  It’s worth the work.  It’s worth depending on the Savior who can make it happen.  Please help me Jesus!